Granting house fosters a healthier mindset, permitting people to recharge and manage stress effectively, ultimately strengthening relationships. When your companion is careworn, be there for them, spend quality time together, and help in creating a soothing environment. As a companion, if you need to work out how to assist your confused girlfriend or boyfriend, you want to actually try to encourage them to get into a routine that really works. Figure out whether or not they’re a morning individual or an evening owl and inform them to design their day accordingly. Most importantly, make certain they take sufficient breaks and do one thing enjoyable during that time.
But, spending time with someone who’s got nothing good to say and acts like every little thing is the worst thing on the planet is actually draining and simply appears counterproductive. He doesn’t wanna do anything however feel bad about regardless of the concern is. It’s upsetting to be exposed to the unhappiness of an individual you care about.
Focus on that part of you that cares for the other and provides them the prospect to take care of you. Inner peace is a talent you’ll find a way to apply every day.Learn the means to keep calm and centered in any state of affairs. Unless it’s an excessive case, odds are the stress your associate is coping with will resolve itself.
An emotional word picture is a software that simultaneously activates the feelings and intellect of the listener. When you employ a word picture to communicate, it may possibly go straight into your spouse’s heart. And the chance toapproach an unsure future hand in hand — trusting within the Lord together. Praying collectively about particular fears is apowerful approach to alleviate fear and stress.
While individual self-care is essential, training self-care as a couple enhances your ability to handle stress collectively. For occasion, a partner with a struggle response might turn into extra confrontational underneath stress, doubtlessly escalating arguments. The fight or flight response is an instinctual response to perceived risk or stress. Stay current, hear with out judgment, and ask, “How can I assist you proper now?
He explodes, he makes threats, and she or he’ll have no idea what set him off. Sometimes she gets angry and pushes back, which only makes things worse. Other times she tries to depart, but usually he follows her, yelling and chasing her down the corridor. Instead of enabling behaviors, focus on providing assist and encouragement while setting wholesome boundaries. This may help your partner develop healthier coping mechanisms and progress of their recovery.
Then work out a plan for every aim, and a way for monitoring your progress. Girme, Y. U., Maniaci, M. R., Reis, H. T., McNulty, J. K., Carmichael, C. L., Gable, S. L., Baker, L. R., Internalizers have a tendency to carry the stress inside, wanting to look robust or not be a trouble to others. Somatic signs corresponding to complications, hives, nervousness or melancholy, or GI points can all point out a excessive level of stress. I sincerely hope that the excellent, actionable communication suggestions Silas shared are useful to both of you right now. “I notice you are feeling upset, and I need to perceive what you are going via.”
By seeing the indicators of wrestle, communicating successfully, offering practical assist, and nurturing emotional intimacy, you reveal unwavering love. Remember to take care of yourself, too—strong partnerships depend on each individuals’ well-being. With these methods, you’ll have the ability to weather challenges together, rising with a deeper, extra resilient bond.
Stress could be a challenge, nevertheless it may also be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. By recognizing the indicators, training empathy, and offering support with out sacrificing your personal well-being, you also can make a giant difference in your companion’s life. Becoming an effective emotional assist won’t only benefit them, but will enhance your connection as a couple, creating a robust basis for overcoming future challenges together. We are dedicated to offering compassionate and personalised look after couples from all walks of life. We honour the unique dynamics, experiences, and values each partnership brings, offering a welcoming setting where each couple feels respected and supported.
By actively listening and offering each emotional and tangible support, you reinforce the muse of trust and love in your relationship. As you progress ahead, take consolation in understanding that your efforts are a useful a part of your partner’s support system and may contribute considerably to overcoming the challenges you face together. Open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship and is essential during tough instances.
Being weak myself also helps, permitting my associate to really feel extra at ease in sharing their ideas. I’ll share a time once I felt stressed too and how I handled it; this invites them to be open without worry of judgment. We share our struggles and solutions, and it transforms the dialog into a staff effort. I put my cellphone away, give them my full consideration, and let them spill their ideas. This reveals them that they don’t need to navigate their feelings alone, they usually have my help. Even small gestures like a gentle contact on the shoulder can convey love and reassurance.
Dealing with a confused partner can put a strain on any relationship. Break things down into small steps that transfer your associate closer to a place the place they now not really feel confused about this particular factor. And you’d be amazed at what a while not spent thinking about the difficulty at hand can focus your partner’s mind and encourage them to find a answer. Learn tips on how to rework your troublesome relationship.I’ll show you my science-based strategy to building a robust, productive relationship with even the most troublesome folks. Or search for a therapist who focuses on anger management on Psychology Today.
Chronic stress typically goes unaddressed till physical signs appear. Gentle encouragement to talk, journal, meditate, or search therapy can alleviate underlying tension. It still doesn’t mean you chop loose and say anything and everything that’s in your mind. Although he wasn’t prepared to admit it at first, Dr. Greg Smalley felt that God was making him aware of how selfishness causes points in his marriage.
As their companion, you’ll in all probability know just what they want and the way they want it. But keep these few pointers in thoughts, and you’ll by no means actually go wrong. Or the method to take care of your girlfriend who is apprehensive about her uni assignments? If they’re at a Starbucks finishing up an task, accompany them. Or if they’re pulling an all-nighter in the library, hang around with them and end some work of your individual if you should.
If you’d like some tips on the way to greatest be there for your associate when they’re careworn, check-out the ideas under. If your companion just must vent what they feel to be able to release rigidity, give them the area to take action. That means, put all distractions away, and give them your undivided attention. “Your function now is to be there to take heed to them,” Celia Schweyer, dating and relationship professional at DatingScout, tells Bustle. “Make them feel like they have a shoulder to cry on and be present. Most of the time, that’s higher than speaking them out of stress.” Unless they ask for advice, do not feel the necessity to give it. Sometimes people really just do want somebody to validate their emotions and pay attention.
This doesn’t check with typical “insecurity” in the generally portrayed, apparent sense, but extra to insecure attachment and insecure defensiveness. Many instances, stress is the outcome of something partially influenced by insecurity. If you’re not careful, you’ll be able to set off an escalation of the state of affairs by not understanding the means to handle that insecurity. Communication is the cornerstone of understanding differing stress responses. It’s important for partners to often focus on their feelings, stressors, and most well-liked coping mechanisms. In a wedding, navigating totally different stress responses is akin to learning a new language; it requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt.
If you blame your companion, other individuals or the state of affairs, you can get trapped in emotions of helplessness and hopelessness. This is unhealthy as you find yourself wasting precious vitality on issues you have no management over, as an alternative of specializing in the things you’ll be able to control. If you select to take some chores out of your companion, otherwise you go out of your way to create a stress-free night or two for them, there’s no need to speak about it.
According to a research printed within the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who permit one another autonomy during stressful instances report higher relationship satisfaction. This means recognizing when your partner wants alone time or space to process their emotions independently. While your support is invaluable, typically skilled assist is necessary.
Yes, it’s normal to really feel careworn in a relationship, especially throughout difficult times, however it’s important to handle the stress and work by way of it collectively. A relationship underneath stress can result in feelings of hysteria, despair, and low shallowness, as emotional well-being is commonly tied to how we really feel in our relationships. If you need assistance getting them thus far, look to others in your and their community for help. Even whenever you love what you do, your job — any job — has its share of stress. Sure, you may come home from work worn out bodily, however often the strains you are feeling are mental, emotional or even relational.
Experiencing stress in a relationship can usually lead to feelings of isolation and dejectedness. It may be important to do not forget that these emotions are valid and that you may be not alone in experiencing these challenges. In many circumstances, relationship issues similar to those listed above might co-exist. This can typically lead to feelings of intense stress, making it exceedingly difficult to drawback clear up because of problem figuring out the issues themselves.
We’re saying “fairly reliable” as a outcome of folks reply to stress in several methods, which implies there’s no surefire one-size-fits all answer for coping with a stressed-out liked one. If you are unsure about how to method conversations along with your spouse about finances, you might begin by selecting a time if you’re both relaxed and can give consideration to the dialog. You can express your need to speak about your financial state of affairs overtly and then talk about your shared objectives and aspirations and work in the direction of a typical plan collectively. In occasions of disagreement, you may attempt to method the conflict with empathy, listening to your companion’s perspective and acknowledging their feelings.
Talkspace Therapist, Minkyung Chung LMHC, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with over 10 years of experience. She focuses on multicultural issues, specifically points unique to the Asian American inhabitants. She is considered one of two mental health professionals that provide providers in Korean in Florida.
She has additionally discovered meditation apps useful for quieting a racing thoughts before bed. On weekends we set reminders for stress-free actions nurturing hobbies, creativity, spirituality or social connections as a part of what I call an official “me-day.” It is important for partners, family members, and pals to be supportive and understanding during their liked one’s luteal section and interval.
It’s at all times important to express appreciation in your partner and all that they do. “When feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it’s actually because we feel unacknowledged or unappreciated,” says Trueblood. Your partner’s stress might come from misconceptions about their importance and the stuff they could be nervous about may overshadow their actual accomplishments. “When we’re feeling overwhelmed and careworn in a single space of our life, it’s straightforward to miss or low cost all the opposite areas the place we’re thriving,” notes Trueblood.
The first and most necessary thing to know is that they cannot management their nervousness. Once you get that, you may be a lot better at supporting them. If you assume they’re doing this on purpose or attempting to be tough, you may invalidate their expertise and make issues worse. Imagine having a headache and being informed you are inflicting your own discomfort. It’s exhausting when your associate goes through one thing you can’t repair.
But at the same time, it’s essential that it’s not one-sided – quite, that you simply’re mutually supportive with one another. Boundaries are essential in any relationship, as they establish mutual respect and protect each partners’ emotional well-being. Setting clear private and emotional boundaries ensures that every partner’s wants for private house, time, and emotional assist are met. It’s essential to have open discussions about your boundaries, respect each other’s limits, and be receptive to modifications as the relationship evolves. Boundaries might range from couple to couple, and they need to be versatile enough to accommodate each partner’s growth and altering needs.
They may also interact in more dangerous behaviors, similar to dishonest on their spouse with another woman, to get away from their emotions of being weak and undesirable. This limitation apart, there are many take-home lessons that you just and your companion can discover in this small but highly effective study. The key to the most important one is the use of the term “idiosyncratic.” Platitudes and basic admonitions to really feel better just won’t work. You need to know how to listen to your personal emotional narrative, modify this to what you know about your companion, and then provide help accordingly. If it hurts you to see your associate damage, you’ll be more motivated to make their ache go away.
Our aim at Talkspace is to offer the most up-to-date, priceless, and goal information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make knowledgeable choices. April is “Stress Awareness Month,” where health professionals and advocates group up to present options for the fashionable stress epidemic. This piece is a part of our collection on understanding and combating day by day stressors.
Even in case your partner doesn’t need to go, you proceed to can – and on the very least you won’t really feel so alone any extra. It can be hugely useful to discuss, in confidence, what is going on with an skilled. Odd as it could sound, many individuals aren’t conscious of their stress level until someone brings it to their attention. Short tempers are often a purple flag that someone’s stress stage has reached an unhealthy stage.
Effectively navigating tough spots can strengthen your bond and help your relationship grow. When you have the right mindset, help, and tools in place, you can transform relationship stress into a chance. Keep reading to discover methods to deal with relationship stress.
Provide contact comfort–an arm around their shoulder, hand on their leg or arm, holding their hand, or sitting near them. So this holiday season, inform your companion that you’re there for them, ideally whereas you’re hugging. Take every other’s stress significantly, and no more eyerolls. It’s not a lot the stress itself; it’s the finest way that each of you handle the stress collectively. Working as an open and honest group is the key ingredient to a healthy and joyful relationship, throughout holiday season and into the brand new 12 months. If you would possibly be studying this weblog, it reveals you care for your girlfriend you are in love along with her and most significantly you need to fix things up.
You could probably be stressed about an upcoming project deadline, monetary worries or even a tough conversation with a colleague. Stress usually sneaks up on us once we keep away from acknowledging it. You might really feel tired, burnt out or emotionally distant out of your companion, not as a outcome of your love is fading but because underneath the floor, stress is taking its toll. Finally, as a partner intimately acquainted with the sources and toll of occupational stress, I try to mannequin the behaviors I hope to see in my companion. At residence I goal to share family burdens reasonably quite than enabling an imbalance that risks depletion. My personal self-care routines convey self-worth goes beyond serving others tirelessly.
Between demanding careers, financial pressures, health issues, and the ever-present ping of digital notifications, we’re navigating unprecedented ranges of pressure. Studies present that over 70% of adults report experiencing stress that considerably impacts their day by day functioning… and inevitably, their relationships. Having a proactive technique for when anger arises can make all of the difference in dealing with conflicts constructively. An anger management plan is your personalised playbook that outlines the steps you’ll take whenever you discover your anger escalating in conversation together with your partner. It’s something everyone experiences at one level or another.
This doesn’t imply tolerating mistreatment, nevertheless it does mean understanding that not each emotional outburst is about disrespect—it’s usually just overload. Letting them unravel without disgrace could be a large relief when they’re attempting to carry all of it together all over the place else. Just allow them to know that you just care sufficient to notice and speak up. Stress that lingers or intensifies can generally signal deeper issues, and your encouragement could be the nudge they need to take that subsequent step towards support.
Often, anger is just the tip of the emotional iceberg, with a mass of other emotions and previous experiences hidden beneath the floor. Stress can negatively impression how spouses interact with one another. Under stress, individuals typically become extra irritable, anxious, or emotionally exhausted. This, in flip, can have an effect on spousal communication and behavior. Romantic companions may have much less persistence and be extra vulnerable to conflicts.
My husband, Jonathan—thankfully not the guy talked about above—used to get viscerally upset each time he heard me watching TikToks on my cellphone. He additionally shuddered once I listened to music through my laptop as a substitute of via our fancy audio system. That would possibly mean rearranging and even cancelling some of your individual plans to find a way to be bodily there with your partner after they need you essentially the most. You are getting them away from their traditional routine and pointing them within the path of one other pleasant face.
You can both direct your partner to these practices or persuade her to hitch a couple of of such practices with you. Sometimes there is a very skinny line between understanding some situations which finally ends up in plenty of doubts in one’s mind. For example, you might feel your girlfriend is being moody, throwing tantrums, acting out or ignoring you however she might be too confused to assume clearly and nothing is ready to cheer her up. Unfortunately, the signs are quite related and it provides a purpose in your associate to doubt/question you which leads to extra stress. The head coach performs a vital role within the team’s success by clearly indicating which play the quarterback will run. Similarly, you’re extra likely to be successful in your marriage should you try for clear communication together with your companion.
Or, like in Rachel and Ross’s instance, many women are doubly tasked on their mental load to create an inventory explaining in great element precisely what must be done. When you take steps towards enhancing your relationship and de-stressing, you’re proving to yourself and your companion that you simply believe there’s something special value working at. “It takes the strain off of the dialog, which typically permits people to be more open,” Hardy provides. Everyone argues, so having an argument every now and then isn’t an indication that you’re in a “bad” relationship. In reality, when couples are in a position to disagree in productive ways, it could possibly actually improve their communication abilities. Remember to maintain the relationship a priority, even when instances are hard.
Recognizing that their responses often stem from underlying stress, trauma, or mental well being issues might help you approach the scenario with empathy rather than frustration. For couples navigating totally different stress responses, there are quite a few sources and apps out there. Apps like ‘Lasting’ or ‘Couple’s Toolbox’ offer guided activities and suggestions for managing stress in relationships. Books, on-line courses, and workshops focusing on communication and stress management may also be useful in understanding and adapting to every other’s stress responses. Of course, sometimes talking via one’s emotions doesn’t result in behavioral change. If one associate is stressed due to health points, work trouble, or other external challenges and is behaving jerkily because of it, they could not have the flexibility to get a grip right away.
Yesterday some friends brought us a birdfeeder that looks like asweet country church. “We want you to be reminded that Jesus takes care of thebirds,” they stated. Thenext day, after the mud had settled and we’d give you a mutually agreeableplan (which actually wasn’t that hard), I wondered at how rapidly we’d turnedagainst one another. The gasoline, like gasoline on a fire, was the anxiousness each ofus have been feeling and making an attempt to process in our own ways. I realized we would have liked toget on the same page by processing our concerns together. It’s crucial, however, that you have interaction with what your partner is going through.
You should be there for them on an everyday basis until they are in a position to resolve the difficulty or cope with it mentally and emotionally. Emotional assist can take the form of mental distraction from the troubles or considerations your companion has. Many people’s instincts at this point is to hunt out the consolation of a loved one, not just in terms of talking issues through but within the precise warm embrace of another human being. Your associate is going by way of a tough patch and they’re sure to be feeling fairly vulnerable and insecure in themselves. So you have to hold checking in with them to see how they are feeling and whether they need to discuss it some extra.
Poor communication is usually a major reason for relationship stress, resulting in misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts. It’s essential for both companions to actively listen to 1 another, acknowledge every other’s emotions, and reply with care. Active listening entails fully focusing on your partner’s words, validating their feelings, and avoiding interruptions. When speaking, be clear and trustworthy while sustaining respect and kindness.
Both you and your companion might gain from recognizing each other’s strengths and positive attributes. • Put down your cell phone and give your companion your undivided attention.• Offer recommendation in a gentle method. Help your associate determine blind spots.• Develop calming end-of-the-workday habits and rituals. The good news about stress is that it doesn’t last eternally.
I counsel speaking your needs (“I wish to help you, but I also need time to recharge”) actually and compassionately. Clear boundaries forestall burnout and preserve the health of each companions. Replacing problem-focused language (“Stop worrying so much”) with empathic statements (“I’m right here for you”) retains the focus on help somewhat than dismissing their emotions. I discover that softening directives into offers—“Would it assist if I…”—empowers your partner to just accept assistance on their phrases. It’s simple to get emotionally tangled in someone else’s stress, particularly if you care deeply about them. However, should you let their overwhelm spill into your individual mindset, it might possibly flip into two folks spiralling instead of 1.
Instead of reacting defensively, take a second to know their perspective. This strengthens the bond and reinforces your commitment to the means to be a supportive companion, even when instances are tough. Imagine your associate is feeling anxious about an necessary presentation at work. Instead of offering options, you pay attention attentively, acknowledge their emotions, and remind them of their past successes.
The ultimate piece of the puzzle entails attachment type, or the internal models folks have about safety in relationships. Adding extra complexity to the equation, the UCSD authors suggest that couples higher in intimacy would have a bonus in phrases of regulating every other’s feelings. Love helps you be extra motivated to reset your partner’s miserable temper. Now, put the shoe on the other foot and imagine these circumstances have befallen your romantic companion.
Practicing gratitude for the optimistic aspects of your relationship helps reframe your mindset, making it simpler to concentrate on options as an alternative of issues. Managing expectations also plays a crucial role in lowering stress. Setting realistic targets for your relationship and recognizing that not each problem might be solved instantly might help each companions remain affected person and compassionate. Mental health struggles, such as despair and nervousness, can manifest in a wide selection of ways. Common issues embrace melancholy, anxiousness, bipolar disorder, and post-traumatic stress dysfunction (PTSD). A specific set of signs and behaviors accompanies each condition.
Even when you don’t agree with them, stopping to take the time to really hear what they’re saying will assist validate their perspective. Research in 2018 helps that folks who are in a position to openly talk with their partner about what stresses them out can help them actively handle relationship stress throughout tense discussions. Make positive to acknowledge the optimistic moments, even when they appear small.
Create a serene ambiance by extinguishing all lights and illuminating the area with mild candlelight. This subdued illumination not only calms the nerves but also provides a soothing balm for tired eyes. Washing dishes, although seemingly mundane, surprisingly serves as an efficient stress reliever.
You have a proper to be heard too, but in addition know that it may be very difficult for your associate. If it’s one thing you’re feeling just isn’t essential and may let go, then try. It’s necessary that present issues are attempted to be resolved.
All about love and couple relationships of their various forms. We rejoice the happy, imperfect love with out judgment or bias, and try to help folks love extra mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. We’re your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that’s love. Changing your responses to stressors can work as a result of “relationships are cocreated,” says Schmidt.
While the major focus may be on serving to your associate, it’s additionally essential to maintain open, two-way communication. Don’t really feel like you must hide your own emotions to “stay strong.” Being honest and supportive of each other builds mutual trust. Talk in regards to the stress, but in addition make room for lighter topics, future plans, or shared moments of joy. Keeping the dialog flowing helps the relationship stay connected throughout difficult instances. When my partner feels careworn, I usually attempt to acknowledge the deeper emotions lurking beneath the surface.
I know that it’s tempting to try and sort things for the people that you simply care about, however most individuals just must know that they are supported. The words I made on this article will all provide encouragement, without invalidating how a person feels or making them really feel unheard. Cut-offs cut deep and extensive, their emotional impact reverberating far beyond the combatants. Because a lot of the suffering is hidden, restore is challenging for everyone, not least of all therapists. Without communication, companions won’t know what’s inflicting stress for the opposite person.
A layoff will in all probability be much less traumatizing than a straight firing. “It’s much simpler from a self-esteem perspective,” Bobby says of layoffs. “The main feeling can be anger, however much less of that shame-related resentment.” “Not too lengthy after, perhaps three weeks, I did start voicing concerns,” she says. “I was like, ‘What’s going to occur when you don’t discover work?’ I really feel like I have a lot of financial nervousness. Tim talked about this did not really feel good. It felt like I didn’t have religion he’ll be okay.”
Acknowledge and accept your individual insecurity and uncertainty. Join over 20,000 fellow police wives who are studying to rock it and feel supported with our assist every week! Once per week I will provide you with even more methods to feel inspired and supported on your law enforcement wife journey with my e-newsletter. When the opposite person is calm and not indignant, prone to try and make-up or sweep the incident underneath the rug, this is the time to talk up.
When my associate begins pacing or tapping their foot, I know their stress levels may be rising. These small details are like a secret code, indicating that I might need to step in and supply assist. Over time, I’ve realized to be observant without making them feel scrutinized—it’s all about being in tune with the vibe of the second.
Whether it’s a 15-minute espresso run on a Wednesday afternoon or going to a concert over the weekend, these breaks are simply as necessary as finding out exhausting. The factor with stress is that it could put you in a rut and an unhealthy routine. When you may be stressed, you could have less management over what your day appears like and things go haywire. It at all times looks like one doesn’t have enough time to study or get issues carried out which is why they may end up doing issues at the final minute in unhealthy ways. It’s like you two are making a life with each other, but additionally striving to make a life for yourselves.
Sending supportive texts when your companion is stressed is pretty straightforward. You actually don’t need to worry about getting each last detail right in crafting the perfect, poignant text message to ship. A 2018 study published in Computers in Human Behavior proved that a easy text can truly be tremendous effective when somebody is in a tense sitch. As part of the study, the University of California researchers tasked 75 ladies with making ready a public speech in four minutes and put their romantic companions in one other room. How you and your companion respond to stressors could make or break you. It can either strengthen your bond or cause more battle.
Exercising together not solely provides enjoyment but additionally presents quality time spent together, enhancing your connection while reaping the advantages of a healthy way of life. In today’s fast-paced society, stress has become an all too familiar adversary that can pressure both our private well-being and the bonds we share with our companions. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Biology main and he studies Political science. Or if he’s graduating in Economics and you spend your day finding out Hemingway and Sylvia Plath. There are some ways to pitch in and help your partner really feel much less confused about their workload. Sometimes, an individual needs to spend slightly time with themselves so they can get things again in order and interact with others once more.
There will always be difficult moments in life, and understanding you’ve help could make all the distinction. Your assist can be a ray of hope for your partner, no matter whether they’re grieving a private loss, managing work-related stress, or simply feeling overburdened. Making a significant effort to be there on your associate during troublesome occasions will foster a stronger bond between you.
You just need to let it run its course and trust that point will heal. Depending in your companion, you may must nudge them to open up to you and share what they’re considering and feeling. By affirming that you just perceive how they really feel and why they really feel that way, you would possibly be validating these feelings. Your associate will feel more supported by you should you pay attention attentively to what they need to say. First and foremost, you have to be there on your associate to comfort them at this tense time.
Soft lighting, comfortable blankets, and even their favourite snacks ready to go—this makes it easier for them to relax. Reach out to Talkspace right now to learn extra about on-line couples therapy that will allow you to and your associate learn efficient methods to cope with relationship stress. Reach out to Talkspace at present to find out how online couples therapy can help you and your companion learn efficient ways to deal with relationship stress. Your partner’s pain can, in turn, affect your emotional power. If you let your self be drained as a substitute of stepping away when you need to, you’re doing no one any favors.